Restricted Problem

Today I’m taking on the restricted problem.

I spent my entire childhood just waiting to be old enough to watch R rated movies because they had all the cool things in them. Like profanity, violence and nudity.

Of course those things are only cool in the right context.

(A profanity filled fist-fight between a naked Judi Dench and Rosie O’Donnell wouldn’t be cool at all)

But back when I was a kid R rated movies had giant alien battles, frightening robot killing machines and hot topless alien women with three breasts!

I only know that last one now, because I watched that scene in Total Recall as an adult.

56 times on repeat trying to figure out which one was fake.

Anyway the problem is, now that I’m old enough to watch R rated movies, there are none!

(Well there are. But I’m not talking about those kind of movies.)

The only Hollywood movies getting made these days are ones marketed to the whole family, because they’re more profitable since everyone can pay to see them. It seems the ratings system created to protect young people from being corrupted by entertainment has gone on to corrupt the entertainment industry!

So why not abolish age restrictions? It would raise profits for all movies and give true creative freedom to film makers.

Oh but what about the children? Who will protect them from indecency?

Parents! That’s their job.

And my parents did theirs very well.They taught me things like eating a whole bag of cookies will make me sick, and that some movies were meant for adults. Course, like most kids I didn’t listen and one time I ate an entire bag of cookies.

Guess what happened?

I puked my guts out!

But I also learned my lesson, that’s why I only did it the one time. Then one time when I was six I decided to watch Conan the barbarian. A few reoccurring nightmares about my mom getting her head lopped off by Darth Vader later, and I convinced myself I shouldn’t watch anymore scary movies until I was old enough to handle them.

And I think I turned out fine.

(Though some nights I still have those nightmares and just thinking about James Earl Jones makes me wet myself)

Look, I just want to see a Hollywood movie with a Hollywood budget featuring 4 simple things.
1) Giant alien battles
2) Frightening killer robots
3) Hot topless three breasted alien women.
4) A great story.

Though a Hollywood movie featuring a great story sounds like a premise for a fantasy movie in itself.

But seriously, we as a culture have to learn our lesson and stop letting other people tell us what entertainment is appropriate for our kids because it’s having a negative affect on the variety of quality entertainment produced for adults!

That’s the rant.

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